Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
