I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
