The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
