I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
