Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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