i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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