I'm drive I can fine osifer
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize