how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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