Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
