The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
