Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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