im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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