She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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