just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
