I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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