my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
