I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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