I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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