They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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