but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
