i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
