A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
