My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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