Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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