He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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