i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
i now understand why vodka
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
