Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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