she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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