remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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