alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
