between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
