I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
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