I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
