dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I would fuck him just for his dog
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
