My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
