oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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