Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize