I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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