he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
