Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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