dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
