I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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