I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
