I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
