it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
