in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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