he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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