Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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