The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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