I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
