Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
