i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
