and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
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