dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
