nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
