the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
