Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
