I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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