Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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