It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
