Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I am full of burrito and curiosity
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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