Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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