My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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